At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
