i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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