True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
