Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
