Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
