You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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