he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
