i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
we should paint friendship bongs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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