Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
