i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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