Tell her she can't have a vagina
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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