So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
