I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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