This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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