Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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