My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
