Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
