One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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