I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
