This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
