Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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