and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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