my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
