I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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