I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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