I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
