4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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