I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
