I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
