She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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