you didnt know i had herpes?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
