If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
