he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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