my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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