Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i think my cat just said my name.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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