I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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