My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
