I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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