If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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