So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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