loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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