My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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