You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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