Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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