I need help removing her.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
