In the future we'll all be gay
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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