when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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