I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
