dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
