my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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