I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
