if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
